Sex Tips from Magazines, #4

-Kim Basinger, of course. Definitive. How many kids you think were conceived in kitchens that year?

-Absolutely. And we hit all the standards at first. Chocolate, honey, whipped cream. He was really into it, we both were. The most time we’d spent in the kitchen since we moved there. 

-So what happened? Chris won’t even try it. Too messy, he says. 

-Right, I know. And if we’d just kept going with that I would’ve been fine. But he got real into it, really, just not the sex part. He started baking. 

-What, like cookies?

-No. I mean, baking, really baking. Cakes, tarts, pastries.

-That doesn’t sound so bad. 

-Sure, I guess. Except when he’s done he wants to photograph them. On me. 

-The cakes?

-Yes. Comes out of the oven and we wait for it to cool, just sitting there. And then he takes it and puts it on my stomach or something and just starts taking pictures. Not one picture, multiples. Close ups of his latest tiramisu attempt. He just bought some really expensive camera. 

-That’s weird. Really weird. 

-Yeah but get this. Yesterday I’m on his computer and find his blog, Jane. His blog. And he’s got all the photographs up. With recipes. You should see the kind of comments he gets. What kind of flour do you use? Did you think to try currants? Oh, and hot babe. 

-So what are you going to do? I mean really. You can’t be okay with this.

-I don’t know. I really don’t know. He’s talking about changing directions now. Making dinners. Casseroles, Jane. What am I supposed to do. 


  1. Posted January 17, 2009 at 6:01 am | Permalink

    this one is my favorite so far.

    i’m watching the today show right now and they have a lady from redbook talking about “spicing up your marriage.” her first suggestion has to do with eating wacky/zany meals: “…the rules are off: if you want brownies for breakfast, go for it. if you want waffles for dinner, go for it!” she’s very big on the phrase “the rules are off.” she goes on on to recommend playing “board games with an adult twist…wager whatever you want — chores, a foot rub, anything.”

    also, fyi:
    (i really like the little bits of description of each fantasy. (“”It’s a guide to giving oral sex so well that your partner will insist on cooking you blueberry pancakes the next morning.”). i’ve been watching a soap opera lately and the quality of the writing in this piece reminds me of when the directors of soap operas get a chance to shoot something more complex and challenging than the standard establishing-close-up-reverse dialogue stuff and you can tell that they’re so excited about it but also that they aren’t quite good at it (they are, after all, soap opera directors) so it’s a little adorably embarrassing. soap opera writers are the same way — they seem really eager to drop in art and literature allusions whenever possible. on the soap i watch, there was recently a photo shoot for this fashion magazine and there were so many references to it being a recreation of this warhol-basquiat boxing photo that it became tiresome.)

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