I felt bad this weekend

At Lucky’s at 11:30pm where I get oreos, these stupid things, and that glamour mag with the normal girls there are a lot of people in the store, a strange amount of kids. I’m not at all curious. At home my roommate’s not around and I go back to sleeping on the couch even though I’m still paying off the mattress I bought when we moved in. I get to sleep faster. I feel proud for no longer caring what anyone thinks of what I buy at the grocery store because I’ve come farther than it sometimes feels.

Before 11:30pm at Lucky’s I saw the new Coen Brothers movie which made me feel bad for not being Jewish, sort of, or more the same thing I have always felt at having no well of tradition to draw from. It made me think of “The Conversion of the Jews”, and for the first ten minutes in the theater I was pretty sure I was watching the wrong movie. It’s pretty funny though.

The next day I didn’t leave where I sat except to show them where the roof leaked and then when I’m going to go to this party. The library is on the way and I get this book though it has never occurred to me to want to write like Chekhov.

I only wanted to tell people honestly: look, look at how badly you live, how boring are your lives. The important thing is that people should understand this; if they do understand this they will certainly invent a different and a far better life.

I’d left for the party early because it’s too goddamn sunny in the East Bay; it doesn’t feel like anything is going forward. I sit in a shop and read, then go to the store again to buy beer. I don’t know what to buy but settle on one kind that I don’t like but I feel like people bring to parties. I go and everyone is nice but it makes me feel bad. I remember nothing about the trip home but that it took too long, and that someone’s mother was going to be mad.

I woke up today at 3am to drink two glasses of water and woke at nine to be up. I went to buy used things and paint, went to the grocery store again but this time with purpose. At home I cut so many onions it feels like I have been bawling all morning but I’m not feeling as bad now. The good news is it doesn’t feel good to stop making things. Today I made corn chowder and this picture of a whale. There will either be less good or more good tomorrow.



  1. Posted October 19, 2009 at 5:40 am | Permalink

    very excellent whale. that beer thing is so true, also, as are all the parts about feelings. i am always confused for a jewish person because i have curly hair and glasses and through college i really dreamed of being jewish and/or gay because my family lineage is so completely wonderbread and i wanted (want) to belong to something, if only to define myself against it. there is that groucho marx via woody allen quote about not wanting to be in a club that would have me as a member and i wouldn’t want to BE in the club, per se, but i would like to know that i belonged to the club and that it was my self-defining choice not to be in it and that i could always go back if i wanted to change my character or enrich my narrative. when i was in middle school gym class some (literally) skinhead boys decided one day out of nowhere to get in my face and halfheartedly but sincerely say things like “die, jew, die” and “you should go to the concentration camps.” this was not a stage in my life in which i tended to be bullied and so i was not particularly hurt by this, i only thought it was weird because, well, a) they were like sixty years late and in the wrong country and b) i’m not jewish. i just kind of went, like, “i’m not jewish, you guys,” and they thought about it a second and then said “whatever, faggot” and we all went back to playing floor hockey. the history of prejudice in america.

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